Saturday morning in the bar by the lake, seven of us with bloody Marys and chocolate milk and coffee, and we ask each other: how do you choose what World Cup team to root for?

Some people actually like the sport and can recognize game, so they roll their eyes at how shallow we are, but here are my three favorite ways to choose:

1. GDP. Which team got the fuzzier end of the global market lollipop? They deserve to win. So: Brazil over the Netherlands, for example, or Ghana over Uruguay (although that one is maybe tougher to call).

2. Hotness. Which team has the sexiest members? Much more subjective. Germany over Argentina, although it’s a close call.

3. History of Genocide. Which nation’s hands are less bloody? So the USA deserved to lose over Ghana, and Germany deserves to lose to Argentina (although this issue is complicated by the high number of Nazi war criminals who fled to Argentina).

By these hierarchies, who deserves to win it all? Which team has the sexiest guys, or comes from the poorest country, or has gotten massacred a lot more than they have, in turn, massacred? Is there a team from Palestine?

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